Why?

I am not religious in the slightest. Wasn't raised to believe anything in particular. As I have aged, I've started to believe that *maybe* there's a higher power. I just can't bear to think there isn't some reason for all that has gone wrong in my life. I am at a low point right now. The way things are going is just SO unfair. Why did I have to be diagnosed with gastroparesis? Why was median arcuate ligament syndrome not the reason behind it all? Why didn't I respond to the stimulator like I expected? Why did my only option have to be TPN?

Why, when I was already born in a body that fights me every single day? When I already have to work ten times harder to accomplish the simplest things? I always think it's no good to complain about how unjust my life is. I figure I lost any claim to living a fair life in the common meaning of those words, when I was born with CP. I can't help it though. What did I EVER do to deserve any of this? All I've ever done is try to live a good life. I fought so hard for this life, and I'm slowly losing my grip on it. I can't give up. I know that. Giving  up would be tantamount to suicide  This disease has stolen so much from me in the last 18 months. It will NOT kill me. If I'm sure of nothing else right now, I'm sure of that. That doesn't mean I don't wish it away with every thought every single day.

People say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Yes, yes he does. I am desperate for something to change. I'm not  strong enough for this. It will break me soon, I can feel it. I know these things are meant to show people's strength but I happen to have plenty of strength. I do not want to be tested. Please, I'm bruised. Leave me alone.