The title of this post comes from an amazing book Kino no Tabi and neatly sums up my attitude today. sort of. My thinking is kind of screwy on this. If the beauty of the world stems from the fact that is not really beautiful, my world must be absolutely gorgeous right now.If that's the case, why can't I see any of the beauty that must be in plain sight?
Life is very hard right now. I question my ability to continue doing everything I do on a daily basis. I work, I manage my health as well as I can, I read, I sleep,again as well as I can, I write, I get up and I do it all over again. This is not living, this is existing. I used to have interests,. Many of them. Movies, music, politics, disability issues, American Sign Language, hockey and museums chief among them. Now my sole interests center around heading off or treating gastroparesis symptoms and staying attuned to my body to try to avoid that spacey low blood sugar feeling from not eating. When I get that way, I force myself to eat, regardless of how ill-advised the idea seems. I miss liking eating and food. Now, every bite I take carries so many questions. Will this make me feel worse? How many calories does this have? Is there something else that is more nutritious or has more calories available? As my weight continues to fall, these last two questions are growing importance. I am not restricting by choice but because any experimentation thus far has yielded only negative consequences.
I planned for an ER trip today. What kind of person does that?
No comments:
Post a Comment